Bringing back some old lyrics

[popmusic_sux]

I was looking through the post your own lyrics thread and figured every couple days, I'll post an old song/poem that I want some (constructive) criticism on. So here goes...


It’s been a long time
Since the day we cried
And it’s been awhile
Since what we had died
Too many memories
I’ve spent years contemplating
Can’t keep this off my mind
Spent too much time debating

I should’ve said something
But I’ve said too much
I tried to do something
But it never seemed good enough
I tried to learn everything you know
My mind is just a crutch
I tried to do something
But it just never seemed enough

I put everything on the line
And wore my heart on my sleeve
How fast everything went bad
Is too hard to believe
I gave you the best of me
But it wasn’t what you wanted
You knew what was best for you
And it just wasn’t me

It’s been a long time
Since the day we cried
And it’s been awhile
Since what we had died
Too many memories
I’ve spent years contemplating
Can’t keep this off my mind
Spent too much time debating

I should’ve said something
But I’ve said too much
I tried to do something
But it never seemed good enough
I tried to learn everything you know
My mind is just a crutch
I tried to do something
But it just never seemed enough

Comments? Suggestions?

[CaNaDiAN,Eh?]

I really liked it pop, I think it has lots of potential. But with your first stanza it just seems like the last bit doesn't go especially the last line 'Spent too much time debating' it might sound better as something like:

It’s been a long time
Since the day we cried
And it’s been awhile
Since what we had died
Too many memories built up inside
I’ve spent years contemplating
Can’t keep this off my mind
Spent too much time trying to decide


Ahhh never mind I don't like what I added anybetter. I really do like what you have going so far though!!!

[lordgrudge]

I really liked it pop, I think it has lots of potential. But with your first stanza it just seems like the last bit doesn't go especially the last line 'Spent too much time debating' it might sound better as something like:

It’s been a long time
Since the day we cried
And it’s been awhile
Since what we had died
Too many memories built up inside
I’ve spent years contemplating
Can’t keep this off my mind
Spent too much time trying to decide


Ahhh never mind I don't like what I added anybetter. I really do like what you have going so far though!!!

nah. I think it would be better with

Spent too much time complaining

The lyrics are pretty good, apart from they eventually start to bore me after a while. Might sound good if you have a melody for it.

CaNaDiAN,Eh? :: I think that the last line in the first stanza was supposed to rhyme :p

[CaNaDiAN,Eh?]

So I'm not to smart...what can ya do??? lol :o

[Slash 88]

sounds like it has an emo vibe to it

[popmusic_sux]

sounds like it has an emo vibe to it

Haha... well, I did write it in high school, back when I listened to a lot more emo than I do now.

The lyrics are pretty good, apart from they eventually start to bore me after a while. Might sound good if you have a melody for it.

I do have a melody for it, still working on the chorus a little bit and thinking of adding an interlude/solo in the middle, but for the most part it's done. Here's a quick tab of what I have so far, it's fingerpicked, if anyone cares:


verse
e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---1-----------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3
E----------------------------------------------------------------

e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---0h1---------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2
E----------------------------------------------------------------

e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---0h1---------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0
E----------------------------------------------------------------

e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---0h1---------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2
E----------------------------------------------------------------

chorus
C
Am
Bm
G

If anyone bothered to check it out, how do you think the lyrics go with the meoldy?

[Slash 88]

Haha... well, I did write it in high school, back when I listened to a lot more emo than I do now.



I do have a melody for it, still working on the chorus a little bit and thinking of adding an interlude/solo in the middle, but for the most part it's done. Here's a quick tab of what I have so far, it's fingerpicked, if anyone cares:


verse
e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---1-----------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3---3
E----------------------------------------------------------------

e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---0h1---------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2
E----------------------------------------------------------------

e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---0h1---------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0
E----------------------------------------------------------------

e----------------------------------------------------------------
B---0h1---------0-----------3-----------1-----------0-------0h1p0
G----------------------------------------------------------------
D----------------------------------------------------------------
A---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2---2
E----------------------------------------------------------------

chorus
C
Am
Bm
G

If anyone bothered to check it out, how do you think the lyrics go with the meoldy?

I'll try it out on my acoustic tommorow